I recently received this, and wish I would have gotten it sooner. But I thought I should share.
Written by CJ Hale (a high school teacher, she uses other pen names)
12 Things No One Told Me About Sex After Rape
"There is a strange sort of unspoken theory that once a woman has been raped, sex is no longer a viable option for her. Sex has been replaced but trauma, fear, pain, and anxiety. I'm not saying this is never the case. Every survivor's story and experience is different, but too often the assumption is that if you have been raped, you a sexually broken and forever unfixable. That sort of discourse is not healthy or empowering or even sympathetic. What I want to say is what I wish I had been told: rape is not a form of sex, it is a form of assault. Sex feels good. Assault is traumatizing. It is possible for sex to exist after rape because they are different experiences, just like it's possible for you to still enjoy going out to eat even if you got food poisoning once. You might never go back to that restaurant again, but it doesn't mean you will get food poisoning every time you go out.
Admittedly, I don't know what sex before rape is like. I lost my virginity to rape at 14. People are willing to give a lot of guidance on what a survivor is supposed to do after her rape. Do not change clothes. Do not shower. Have someone you trust take you to the hospital. Report it immediately to law enforcement. Reach out to loved ones, find a therapist, become an advocate for other survivors. But it's been 10 years and these are the things nobody told me after rape:
1. Nobody tells you that you'll feel guilty the first time you have a crush on a guy after your rape. Aren't you supposed to hate men now? I mean, ugh, penises are evil and one ruined your life. You shouldn't even be thinking about boys. That's what got you in trouble in the first place. (oh, hey rape culture, how'd you get here?)
2. Nobody tells you that you'll be called a tease when you draw the line at making out. Even though you're pretty proud of yourself for this minor victory on your path to regaining any confidence in expressing your sexuality, some people will think you're a prude because you won't take off your pants.
3. Nobody tells you that the first time you do take off your pants in front of a potential partner you'll cry almost immediately and put them back on, leaving without an explanation. you'll feel embarrassed and stupid and you'll wonder if you're ever going to be capable of intimacy ever again.
4. Nobody tells you that masturbation is a healing practice. (OK, maybe you therapist suggested it once or twice) and that realizing you're capable of sexual satisfaction after rape is an incredible, powerful feeling. Sometimes it takes a while to feel wholly reunited with your body in this way, and you're allowed to take all the time you need. Sexual exploration is a journey, not a destination.
5. Nobody tells you that your PTSD symptoms will be scoffed at. our boundaries will be called "arbitrary" and you will be accused of "wielding sex as a weapon" and "putting yourself on a pedestal." Someone should tell you that people who say these things are the worst type of people to be around. They have no right to make you feel ashamed, but they willl. If they have the potential to get angry about the choices you make about what you do with your body, they are not worth your time or energy or thought or love. But nobody tells you that.
6. Nobody tells you that the 'rape talk' will be a thing that has to happen before any romantic relationship gets too serious. Nobody lets you know that immature men will freak out and refer to your rape as "baggage" when they cut things off. And unfortunately, nobody mentions that some men will hold your hand and weep with you when you tell them, because they can't believe anyone would be capable of hurting you.
7. Nobody tells you that there are men who are patient and kind. Some men will listen and support you and they will read and research and seek to understand. They will ask you what you like and what you don't like, they will be explicit about their concerns, and they will treat you with respect and dignity.
8. Nobody tells you that the first few times you try sex again it might not go well. You might have a panic attack or flashback, and you might scream or shake or cry or throw up or all of the above. What they should tell you is that the right partner will stroke your back or make you tea or hold your hair back for you. He'll leave if he's asked and he'll keep his phone on him so you can talk if you need to.
9. Nobody tells you that the first time you successfully, enjoyable have sex again is empowering, and freeing, and overwhelming. Even if it only last two minutes, it will feel like an enormous victory. You will be happy in a way you weren't sure you would be happy again.
10. Nobody tells you that it doesn't work that way every time. PTSD isn't cured by one blissful experience, and anxiety is a bitch. Sometimes you will burrow down deep in you comforter and wish you just be NORMAL and have NORMAL sex like a NORMAL person. and it is frustrating. But you will remember that one bad experience does not negate your ability to have future good experiences. And you will drink your tea and feel better.
11. Nobody tells you that people are capable of loving you after you've been raped, and that you are capable of loving back. You are allowed to give yourself to someone completely. Likewise, you are allowed to hold back. You are allowed to be fearful but you are also allowed to trust again. Your healing process is your own and regardless of how you get there, know that as long as you are taking care of yourself, nobody has any right to tell you differently.
12. Nobody tells you that just because he's the first boy you slept with since your rape doesn't mean you have to fall in love with him. You don't "owe" anyone else your love or happiness or body. You can be thankful and appreciative and comfortable, but if he's not "the one," don't settle just because he treated you better than your rapist.
You're going to have good days and bad days. You're going to have good sex and bad sex. But you're still alive, and I just thought maybe someone should tell you."
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Saturday, February 2, 2013
a start of something...
Alright, I'm going to give this a shot. I have been trying to get something written for days, but when I sit down to type I cannot think of a thing today. I have so much going on in my life right now, I could not even begin to get into it all. There are some really major changes going on and I'm stressed, and alot of it I can't even talk about because I tend to live a semi-private life. I share some things with some people, but my really really personal business is between me, family and a few close friends. But everything I know is about to change and I'm very excited and optimistic, but there's always some underlying nerves. I have a lot to look forward too though. That's all that I can say for now, I wanted to get a little off my chest..more to come in another entry..
Monday, January 7, 2013
rant about friends and other things
Well, I'm long due for a post, and I suppose today is the perfect day to do it!
I want to talk about something that happens in life, not just in the military. Friends coming and going. How rough is that? First Sean and I moved from Milwaukee, leaving all our friends behind to begin our journey as newly weds and off to Sean's first station...Mt. Home AFB, ID! lol. We quickly made friends through Sean's work. Our first set of friends to get orders was rough, we had just found ppl we had lots in common with, yet they are off to their next adventure. And of course we are always happy for our friends! Then throughout our years in ID we made many amazing friends. People who quickly changed from friends to family. And we've always had an open door. Sean and I would give our last cent to help family-blood or not. We gave tons of non blood family. Lots of people we would let stay with us, or do anything we can to help out. My dad has told me time and time again that having such a big heart and being such a sensitive person is a blessing and a curse. It truly is! I would give away my heart if I could, I'd do anything for someone I love, but then when these people leave my life it feels like an absolute heart break. I haven't been in Cali long so we are still meeting people and I am so optimistic. Tonight I helped a friend move onto their next adventure and I am so jealous of this person, that they can up and leave, and I am so happy for them. But once again someone has left and it always weighs heavily on my heart. I do love living where we do, and the opportunity to travel. I never imagined I'd be in SoCal! This place makes me so happy. Just the smell of the air is calming. There is just nothing like ocean breezes. I feel like after everything that's happened, I'm in a place I can get comfortable and healthy and happy! Even in this apartment, which is nothing compared to the mansion of a house we had before, I am happy. It's cozy and it's become home. It's been a bumpy ride to get here, and finally I can breath again. In 2010 I was raped. I didn't remember much of anything right away, it actually has taken years to remember it all. But that incident changed our life for, for both Sean and I. Where do you begin recovering from something like that? I reported what I could, we went through the whole process, which is exhausting and humiliating...and nothing happened. I tried to believe I did the right thing by making the report, but after nothing happened it destroyed me. Not all at once. I held it together for years. It was not spoken of, and I seemed fine. I felt fine. I looked fine. But before we had orders to move, everything came crashing down. Out of nowhere I hated my husband. I slept on the couch. I was rude, sparadic, withdrawn, and over night became depressed and the flash backs started. I'd be wired and stressed all day, out of ocd scratching my skin to the point that I landed myself in a psych facility. I had a breakdown. An embarrassing breakdown. To one day be fine, and the next in a PTSD triggered temporary state of psychosis. And it's scary. When you're out of control and know it, yet can't stop it...it's just scary. And I raged. Finally after seeing a counselor after having thoughts of giving up, I went to a hospital in ID. I'm going to talk about this, and it will be uncomfortable for both you and I, but some things cannot be left dormant in your mind. When you first arrive, you are given stacks of things to sign. So many things you don't know what you're signing. I could've signed up for a padded room and shock treatment. But they put you in an observation room with no doors or curtains, strip you of all jewelry, undress you and check your skin. You sit in scrubs on a bed that clearly has restraints and they just watch you, for up to 12hrs...luckily ONLY 3 for me. It's boring. You have nothing. You're scared and not yet medicated. Then finally a doc and shrink get to you, evaluate you and begin a pill regiment. They first put you with the uncontrollable crazies which can be terrifying. I had a room mate you watched me sleep. I wish I was joking. Then finally when they see you are just an adult with problems that need treatment, they move you to a different part of the hospital, where you have more freedom. They offer NA and AA meeting daily, which I attended even though I'm not sure I needed it since it's not what I was in treatment for, but it was so educational. Every two hours you have a smoke break, which is a godsend. Only thing that really keeps you sane in the crazy house. There's other groups-coping groups, support groups. I did it all. I did it all and took notes. I got educated about my disabilities. Sean did too. He came to visit me every evening during visiting hours. It's basically like jail, but slightly better. I would never wish upon my worst enemy to have a reason to have to use a facility like this, but I would never speak illy of it either. Although going around telling people I had to be hospitalized for mental issues was not something I advertised. I was anxious to get out! I missed my home, and hubby. My family took our children in during this time of need so we didn't have to worry about them. But I hurried home, I wasn't ready. So I went back, no shame. I met so many wonderful peole. They tell you not to make friends in groups or around the hospital, but everyone there has suffered in someway..how can you not reach out?! It's almost selfish to be there and not share your story. So many people made such a huge impact on my life. Sean even met some other ppl who had spouses there for treatment so he wasn't alone. Things were okay, I was back in control..kinda..enough to move to Cali. Not long after being here though the stress hit again and I was back at square one. But this time I could tell something wasn't feeling right in my head. I called my doc, saw him, and got sent to a treatment center up in the hills of ventura for more treatment. It was the best treatment program I've ever been in for patients with major depression, ptsd, borderline personality disorder, and drug and alcohol treatment. I got so much out of it. But until I hit "post", most people don't know all the mental health problems I've been conquering, and all the slack Sean has been picking up. But a few people do. You would think hearing that when something dreadful happens to a military family, people would be jumping to help us. But that's not so much been the case. People are not accepting of mental illness-even the super common or super treatable ones. But we've found our few people who know and have never judged. So tonight I am sad to see one go. I wish them all the best and happiness in the world, this person will never know the impact they have had on me, and our family. All in all though, I am happy. And it goes without saying that they will always have a place in our home. Even though it seems like we have nothing but hardship, we truly, truly have been blessed by the true people we have come across, and the general kindness we have received. Some of you may even be reading this. So to end this sappy rant...I will say I am happy for the life I have despite the dark cloud over us, and we are lucky to have so many true people in our life who have stuck it out with us.
I want to talk about something that happens in life, not just in the military. Friends coming and going. How rough is that? First Sean and I moved from Milwaukee, leaving all our friends behind to begin our journey as newly weds and off to Sean's first station...Mt. Home AFB, ID! lol. We quickly made friends through Sean's work. Our first set of friends to get orders was rough, we had just found ppl we had lots in common with, yet they are off to their next adventure. And of course we are always happy for our friends! Then throughout our years in ID we made many amazing friends. People who quickly changed from friends to family. And we've always had an open door. Sean and I would give our last cent to help family-blood or not. We gave tons of non blood family. Lots of people we would let stay with us, or do anything we can to help out. My dad has told me time and time again that having such a big heart and being such a sensitive person is a blessing and a curse. It truly is! I would give away my heart if I could, I'd do anything for someone I love, but then when these people leave my life it feels like an absolute heart break. I haven't been in Cali long so we are still meeting people and I am so optimistic. Tonight I helped a friend move onto their next adventure and I am so jealous of this person, that they can up and leave, and I am so happy for them. But once again someone has left and it always weighs heavily on my heart. I do love living where we do, and the opportunity to travel. I never imagined I'd be in SoCal! This place makes me so happy. Just the smell of the air is calming. There is just nothing like ocean breezes. I feel like after everything that's happened, I'm in a place I can get comfortable and healthy and happy! Even in this apartment, which is nothing compared to the mansion of a house we had before, I am happy. It's cozy and it's become home. It's been a bumpy ride to get here, and finally I can breath again. In 2010 I was raped. I didn't remember much of anything right away, it actually has taken years to remember it all. But that incident changed our life for, for both Sean and I. Where do you begin recovering from something like that? I reported what I could, we went through the whole process, which is exhausting and humiliating...and nothing happened. I tried to believe I did the right thing by making the report, but after nothing happened it destroyed me. Not all at once. I held it together for years. It was not spoken of, and I seemed fine. I felt fine. I looked fine. But before we had orders to move, everything came crashing down. Out of nowhere I hated my husband. I slept on the couch. I was rude, sparadic, withdrawn, and over night became depressed and the flash backs started. I'd be wired and stressed all day, out of ocd scratching my skin to the point that I landed myself in a psych facility. I had a breakdown. An embarrassing breakdown. To one day be fine, and the next in a PTSD triggered temporary state of psychosis. And it's scary. When you're out of control and know it, yet can't stop it...it's just scary. And I raged. Finally after seeing a counselor after having thoughts of giving up, I went to a hospital in ID. I'm going to talk about this, and it will be uncomfortable for both you and I, but some things cannot be left dormant in your mind. When you first arrive, you are given stacks of things to sign. So many things you don't know what you're signing. I could've signed up for a padded room and shock treatment. But they put you in an observation room with no doors or curtains, strip you of all jewelry, undress you and check your skin. You sit in scrubs on a bed that clearly has restraints and they just watch you, for up to 12hrs...luckily ONLY 3 for me. It's boring. You have nothing. You're scared and not yet medicated. Then finally a doc and shrink get to you, evaluate you and begin a pill regiment. They first put you with the uncontrollable crazies which can be terrifying. I had a room mate you watched me sleep. I wish I was joking. Then finally when they see you are just an adult with problems that need treatment, they move you to a different part of the hospital, where you have more freedom. They offer NA and AA meeting daily, which I attended even though I'm not sure I needed it since it's not what I was in treatment for, but it was so educational. Every two hours you have a smoke break, which is a godsend. Only thing that really keeps you sane in the crazy house. There's other groups-coping groups, support groups. I did it all. I did it all and took notes. I got educated about my disabilities. Sean did too. He came to visit me every evening during visiting hours. It's basically like jail, but slightly better. I would never wish upon my worst enemy to have a reason to have to use a facility like this, but I would never speak illy of it either. Although going around telling people I had to be hospitalized for mental issues was not something I advertised. I was anxious to get out! I missed my home, and hubby. My family took our children in during this time of need so we didn't have to worry about them. But I hurried home, I wasn't ready. So I went back, no shame. I met so many wonderful peole. They tell you not to make friends in groups or around the hospital, but everyone there has suffered in someway..how can you not reach out?! It's almost selfish to be there and not share your story. So many people made such a huge impact on my life. Sean even met some other ppl who had spouses there for treatment so he wasn't alone. Things were okay, I was back in control..kinda..enough to move to Cali. Not long after being here though the stress hit again and I was back at square one. But this time I could tell something wasn't feeling right in my head. I called my doc, saw him, and got sent to a treatment center up in the hills of ventura for more treatment. It was the best treatment program I've ever been in for patients with major depression, ptsd, borderline personality disorder, and drug and alcohol treatment. I got so much out of it. But until I hit "post", most people don't know all the mental health problems I've been conquering, and all the slack Sean has been picking up. But a few people do. You would think hearing that when something dreadful happens to a military family, people would be jumping to help us. But that's not so much been the case. People are not accepting of mental illness-even the super common or super treatable ones. But we've found our few people who know and have never judged. So tonight I am sad to see one go. I wish them all the best and happiness in the world, this person will never know the impact they have had on me, and our family. All in all though, I am happy. And it goes without saying that they will always have a place in our home. Even though it seems like we have nothing but hardship, we truly, truly have been blessed by the true people we have come across, and the general kindness we have received. Some of you may even be reading this. So to end this sappy rant...I will say I am happy for the life I have despite the dark cloud over us, and we are lucky to have so many true people in our life who have stuck it out with us.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
quick end of dec update..
Wellll, I suppose I should chat briefly about the holidays....WOO HOO! They are over. It's just such a hectic season and it definitely gets overwhelming. It was wonderful though. We had packages just pouring in everyday from family members and Christmas cards. After all the stress, it was worth it. Maybe next year we'll get it down. Kieran turned 5 on the 26th, even though we didn't celebrate it completely for a few days. He is so proud to be a 5 year old. He's such a bright child, and I always get emotional on their birthdays. But he is my first born, he will always be my baby. We had a few days of relaxing, and then last night was NYE. Last year we hosted a big party for all our friends, neighbors, it was a blast! This year was totally different. Just stayed in, our really great friend joined us and there were drinks and we rented Looper, caught up..it was really quite nice, didn't mind that we were so into the movie that we didn't even realize midnight had come and gone. This morning I woke up and right off the bat, bad upset stomach, no not upset...dying on the inside painful stomach ache. I am pretty much 100% positive I got food poisoning from some take out the other night since the kids have had funky stomachs.. and Sean too. NO bueno! It's one of our favorite little local places...Mongolian BBQ. It's one of the first places Sean took me when we got here. Small place. you get a bowl and go down the line putting the veggies and meat you want into a bowl, then the cook takes it from you and cooks it all with noodles and whatever sauce you chose right in front of you and then he packages it into a simply to go box and that's that! Buttt I won't be eating there again...this has been awful! Thank God Sean's aunt is a nurse. We call and text her all the time with sometimes really dumb health questions, and she's so patient and helps and gives advice. She's been on board as far as support goes since all the health issues started. She's so professional, but so down to earth-tells Sean and I like it is even when it's tough. So today she recommended fluids, fluids, and fluids. Started to feel a little more lively. And today, Sean has been an angel. Keeping an eye on the boys, keeping me company and medicated, and most importantly kept me calm. He is my rock. I'm not one to hide some of our issues. This blog is supposed to be real, and not just some fake image of a perfect home.One of the biggest issues that Sean and I have struggled with over the years of me being sick is how he is there for me. There are times I am in pain, in the hospital, I've had many surgeries, and he was stressed, and it showed. He was angry. he was scared. So was I. But I wanted a rock, a solid rock. But through all this we have learned eachothers triggers, and now know how to calm eachother when these mini and sometimes major health problems pop up. The 30th of January was Sean and my 6th aniversary! Can't believe how the time has flown and all we have been through. We had a baby before our first wedding aniversary, lol. The "d" word has been thrown around more than once. We have faced life and death, sickness, death, deployments and TDY's. But we have a family, more furry babies than human, but this is just the way it should be. Sean is that man that no matter how mad at him I want to be, or am, he's the same guy I want to run to and cry about it to! We cannot escape eachother, and I don't say that in a negative way. When we met we were a wreck. Me, more than him. But somehow through everything we come out on top. How is that possible? Maybe it's luck, maybe it's fate, but for us this is just life.
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