rant about friends and other things

Well, I'm long due for a post, and I suppose today is the perfect day to do it!
I want to talk about something that happens in life, not just in the military. Friends coming and going. How rough is that? First Sean and I moved from Milwaukee, leaving all our friends behind to begin our journey as newly weds and off to Sean's first station...Mt. Home AFB, ID! lol. We quickly made friends through Sean's work. Our first set of friends to get orders was rough, we had just found ppl we had lots in common with, yet they are off to their next adventure. And of course we are always happy for our friends! Then throughout our years in ID we made many amazing friends. People who quickly changed from friends to family. And we've always had an open door. Sean and I would give our last cent to help family-blood or not. We gave tons of non blood family. Lots of people we would let stay with us, or do anything we can to help out. My dad has told me time and time again that having such a big heart and being such a sensitive person is a blessing and a curse. It truly is! I would give away my heart if I could, I'd do anything for someone I love, but then when these people leave my life it feels like an absolute heart break. I haven't been in Cali long so we are still meeting people and I am so optimistic. Tonight I helped a friend move onto their next adventure and I am so jealous of this person, that they can up and leave, and I am so happy for them. But once again someone has left and it always weighs heavily on my heart. I do love living where we do, and the opportunity to travel. I never imagined I'd be in SoCal!  This place makes me so happy. Just the smell of the air is calming. There is just nothing like ocean breezes. I feel like after everything that's happened, I'm in a place I can get comfortable and healthy and happy! Even in this apartment, which is nothing compared to the mansion of a house we had before, I am happy. It's cozy and it's become home. It's been a bumpy ride to get here, and finally I can breath again. In 2010 I was raped. I didn't remember much of anything right away, it actually has taken years to remember it all. But that incident changed our life for, for both Sean and I. Where do you begin recovering from something like that? I reported what I could, we went through the whole process, which is exhausting and humiliating...and nothing happened. I tried to believe I did the right thing by making the report, but after nothing happened it destroyed me. Not all at once. I held it together for years. It was not spoken of, and I seemed fine. I felt fine. I looked fine. But before we had orders to move, everything came crashing down. Out of nowhere I hated my husband. I slept on the couch. I was rude, sparadic, withdrawn, and over night became depressed and the flash backs started. I'd be wired and stressed all day, out of ocd scratching my skin to the point that I landed myself in a psych facility. I had a breakdown. An embarrassing breakdown. To one day be fine, and the next in a PTSD triggered temporary state of psychosis. And it's scary. When you're out of control and know it, yet can't stop it...it's just scary. And I raged. Finally after seeing a counselor after having thoughts of giving up, I went to a hospital in ID. I'm going to talk about this, and it will be uncomfortable for both you and I, but some things cannot be left dormant in your mind. When you first arrive, you are given stacks of things to sign. So many things you don't know what you're signing. I could've signed up for a padded room and shock treatment. But they put you in an observation room with no doors or curtains, strip you of all jewelry, undress you and check your skin. You sit in scrubs on a bed that clearly has restraints and they just watch you, for up to 12hrs...luckily ONLY 3 for me. It's boring. You have nothing. You're scared and not yet medicated. Then finally a doc and shrink get to you, evaluate you and begin a pill regiment. They first put you with the uncontrollable crazies which can be terrifying. I had a room mate you watched me sleep. I wish I was joking. Then finally when they see you are just an adult with problems that need treatment, they move you to a different part of the hospital, where you have more freedom. They offer NA and AA meeting daily, which I attended even though I'm not sure I needed it since it's not what I was in treatment for, but it was so educational. Every two hours you have a smoke break, which is a godsend. Only thing that really keeps you sane in the crazy house. There's other groups-coping groups, support groups. I did it all. I did it all and took notes. I got educated about my disabilities. Sean did too. He came to visit me every evening during visiting hours. It's basically like jail, but slightly better. I would never wish upon my worst enemy to have a reason to have to use a facility like this, but I would never speak illy of it either. Although going around telling people I had to be hospitalized for mental issues was not something I advertised. I was anxious to get out! I missed my home, and hubby. My family took our children in during this time of need so we didn't have to worry about them. But I hurried home, I wasn't ready. So I went back, no shame. I met so many wonderful peole. They tell you not to make friends in groups or around the hospital,  but everyone there has suffered in someway..how can you not reach out?! It's almost selfish to be there and not share your story. So many people made such a huge impact on my life. Sean even met some other ppl who had spouses there for treatment so he wasn't alone. Things were okay, I was back in control..kinda..enough to move to Cali. Not long after being here though the stress hit again and I was back at square one. But this time I could tell something wasn't feeling right in my head. I called my doc, saw him, and got sent to a treatment center up in the hills of ventura for more treatment. It was the best treatment program I've ever been in for patients with major depression, ptsd, borderline personality disorder, and drug and alcohol treatment. I got so much out of it. But until I hit "post",  most people don't know all the mental health problems I've been conquering, and all the slack Sean has been picking up. But a few people do. You would think hearing that when something dreadful happens to a military family, people would be jumping to help us. But that's not so much been the case. People are not accepting of mental illness-even the super common or super treatable ones. But we've found our few people who know and have never judged. So tonight I am sad to see one go. I wish them all the best and happiness in the world, this person will never know the impact they have had on me, and our family. All in all though, I am happy. And it goes without saying that they will always have a place in our home. Even though it seems like we have nothing but hardship, we truly, truly have been blessed by the true people we have come across, and the general kindness we have received. Some of you may even be reading this. So to end this sappy rant...I will say I am happy for the life I have despite the dark cloud over us, and we are lucky to have so many true people in our life who have stuck it out with us.

quick end of dec update..

Wellll, I suppose I should chat briefly about the holidays....WOO HOO! They are over. It's just such a hectic season and it definitely gets overwhelming. It was wonderful though. We had packages just pouring in everyday from family members and Christmas cards. After all the stress, it was worth it. Maybe next year we'll get it down. Kieran turned 5 on the 26th, even though we didn't celebrate it completely for a few days. He is so proud to be a 5 year old. He's such a bright child, and I always get emotional on their birthdays. But he is my first born, he will always be my baby. We had a few days of relaxing, and then last night was NYE. Last year we hosted a big party for all our friends, neighbors, it was a blast! This year was totally different. Just stayed in, our really great friend joined us and there were drinks and we rented Looper, caught up..it was really quite nice, didn't mind that we were so into the movie that we didn't even realize midnight had come and gone. This morning I woke up and right off the bat, bad upset stomach, no not upset...dying on the inside painful stomach ache. I am pretty much 100% positive I got food poisoning from some take out the other night since the kids have had funky stomachs.. and Sean too. NO bueno! It's one of our favorite little local places...Mongolian BBQ. It's one of the first places Sean took me when we got here. Small place. you get a bowl and go down the line putting the veggies and meat you want into a bowl, then the cook takes it from you and cooks it all with noodles and whatever sauce you chose right in front of you and then he packages it into a simply to go box and that's that! Buttt I won't be eating there again...this has been awful! Thank God Sean's aunt is a nurse. We call and text her all the time with sometimes really dumb health questions, and she's so patient and helps and gives advice. She's been on board as far as support goes since all the health issues started. She's so professional, but so down to earth-tells Sean and I like it is even when it's tough. So today she recommended fluids, fluids, and fluids. Started to feel a little more lively. And today, Sean has been an angel. Keeping an eye on the boys, keeping me company and medicated, and most importantly kept me calm. He is my rock. I'm not one to hide some of our issues. This blog is supposed to be real, and not just some fake image of a perfect home.One of the biggest issues that Sean and I have struggled with over the years of me being sick is how he is there for me. There are times I am in pain, in the hospital, I've had many surgeries, and he was stressed, and it showed. He was angry. he was scared. So was I. But I wanted a rock, a solid rock. But through all this we have learned eachothers triggers, and now know how to calm eachother when these mini and sometimes major health problems pop up. The 30th of January was Sean and my 6th aniversary! Can't believe how the time has flown and all we have been through. We had a baby before our first wedding aniversary, lol. The "d" word has been thrown around more than once. We have faced life and death, sickness, death, deployments and TDY's. But we have a  family, more furry babies than human, but this is just the way it should be. Sean is that man that no matter how mad at him I want to be, or am, he's the same guy I want to run to and cry about it to! We cannot escape eachother, and I don't say that in a negative way. When we met we were a wreck. Me, more than him. But somehow through everything we come out on top. How is that possible? Maybe it's luck, maybe it's fate, but for us this is just life.