something every sexual assault victim should read.

I recently received this, and wish I would have gotten it sooner. But I thought I should share.

Written by CJ Hale (a high school teacher, she uses other pen names)

12 Things No One Told Me About Sex After Rape

"There is a strange sort of unspoken theory that once a woman has been raped, sex is no longer a viable option for her. Sex has been replaced but trauma, fear, pain, and anxiety. I'm not saying this is never the case. Every survivor's story and experience is different, but too often the assumption is that if you have been raped, you a sexually broken and forever unfixable. That sort of discourse is not healthy or empowering or even sympathetic. What I want to say is what I wish I had been told: rape is not a form of sex, it is a form of assault. Sex feels good. Assault is traumatizing. It is possible for sex to exist after rape because they are different experiences, just like it's possible for you to still enjoy going out to eat even if you got food poisoning once. You might never go back to that restaurant again, but it doesn't mean you will get food poisoning every time you go out.

Admittedly, I don't know what sex before rape is like. I lost my virginity to rape at 14. People are willing to give a lot of guidance on what a survivor is supposed to do after her rape. Do not change clothes. Do not shower. Have someone you trust take you to the hospital. Report it immediately to law enforcement. Reach out to loved ones, find a therapist, become an advocate for other survivors. But it's been 10 years and these are the things nobody told me after rape:

1. Nobody tells you that you'll feel guilty the first time you have a crush on a guy after your rape. Aren't you supposed to hate men now? I mean, ugh, penises are evil and one ruined your life. You shouldn't even be thinking about boys. That's what got you in trouble in the first place. (oh, hey rape culture, how'd you get here?)

2. Nobody tells you that you'll be called a tease when you draw the line at making out. Even though you're pretty proud of yourself for this minor victory on your path to regaining any confidence in expressing your sexuality, some people will think you're a prude because you won't take off your pants.

3. Nobody tells you that the first time you do take off your pants in front of a potential partner you'll cry almost immediately and put them back on, leaving without an explanation. you'll feel embarrassed and stupid and you'll wonder if you're ever going to be capable of intimacy ever again.

4. Nobody tells you that masturbation is a healing practice. (OK, maybe you therapist suggested it once or twice) and that realizing you're capable of sexual satisfaction after rape is an incredible, powerful feeling. Sometimes it takes a while to feel wholly reunited with your body in this way, and you're allowed to take all the time you need. Sexual exploration is a journey, not a destination.

5. Nobody tells you that your PTSD symptoms will be scoffed at. our boundaries will be called "arbitrary" and you will be accused of "wielding sex as a weapon" and "putting yourself on a pedestal." Someone should tell you that people who say these things are the worst type of people to be around. They have no right to make you feel ashamed, but they willl. If they have the potential to get angry about the choices you make about what you do with your body, they are not worth your time or energy or thought or love. But nobody tells you that.

6. Nobody tells you that the 'rape talk' will be a thing that has to happen before any romantic relationship gets too serious. Nobody lets you know that immature men will freak out and refer to your rape as "baggage" when they cut things off. And unfortunately, nobody mentions that some men will hold your hand and weep with you when you tell them, because they can't believe anyone would be capable of hurting you.

7. Nobody tells you that there are men who are patient and kind. Some men will listen and support you and they will read and research and seek to understand. They will ask you what you like and what you don't like, they will be explicit about their concerns, and they will treat you with respect and dignity.

8. Nobody tells you that the first few times you try sex again it might not go well. You might have a panic attack or flashback, and you might scream or shake or cry or throw up or all of the above. What they should tell you is that the right partner will stroke your back or make you tea or hold your hair back for you. He'll leave if he's asked and he'll keep his phone on him so you can talk if you need to.

9. Nobody tells you that the first time you successfully, enjoyable have sex again is empowering, and freeing, and overwhelming. Even if it only last two minutes, it will feel like an enormous victory. You will be happy in a way you weren't sure you would be happy again.

10. Nobody tells you that it doesn't work that way every time. PTSD isn't cured by one blissful experience, and anxiety is a bitch. Sometimes you will burrow down deep in you comforter and wish you just be NORMAL and have NORMAL sex like a NORMAL person. and it is frustrating.  But you will remember that one bad experience does not negate your ability to have future good experiences. And you will drink your tea and feel better.

11. Nobody tells you that people are capable of loving you after you've been raped, and that you are capable of loving back. You are allowed to give yourself to someone completely. Likewise, you are allowed to hold back. You are allowed to be fearful but you are also allowed to trust again. Your healing process is your own and regardless of how you get there, know that as long as you are taking care of yourself, nobody has any right to tell you differently.

12. Nobody tells you that just because he's the first boy you slept with since your rape doesn't mean you have to fall in love with him. You don't "owe" anyone else your love or happiness or body. You can be thankful and appreciative and comfortable, but if he's not "the one," don't settle just because he treated you better than your rapist.

You're going to have good days and bad days. You're going to have good sex and bad sex. But you're still alive, and I just thought maybe someone should tell you."

a start of something...

Alright, I'm going to give this a shot. I have been trying to get something written for days, but when I sit down to type I cannot think of a thing today. I have so much going on in my life right now, I could not even begin to get into it all. There are some really major changes going on and I'm stressed, and alot of it I can't even talk about because I tend to live a semi-private life. I share some things with some people, but my really really personal business is between me, family and a few close friends. But everything I know is about to change and I'm very excited and optimistic, but there's always some underlying nerves. I have a lot to look forward too though. That's all that I can say for now, I wanted to get a little off my chest..more to come in another entry..

rant about friends and other things

Well, I'm long due for a post, and I suppose today is the perfect day to do it!
I want to talk about something that happens in life, not just in the military. Friends coming and going. How rough is that? First Sean and I moved from Milwaukee, leaving all our friends behind to begin our journey as newly weds and off to Sean's first station...Mt. Home AFB, ID! lol. We quickly made friends through Sean's work. Our first set of friends to get orders was rough, we had just found ppl we had lots in common with, yet they are off to their next adventure. And of course we are always happy for our friends! Then throughout our years in ID we made many amazing friends. People who quickly changed from friends to family. And we've always had an open door. Sean and I would give our last cent to help family-blood or not. We gave tons of non blood family. Lots of people we would let stay with us, or do anything we can to help out. My dad has told me time and time again that having such a big heart and being such a sensitive person is a blessing and a curse. It truly is! I would give away my heart if I could, I'd do anything for someone I love, but then when these people leave my life it feels like an absolute heart break. I haven't been in Cali long so we are still meeting people and I am so optimistic. Tonight I helped a friend move onto their next adventure and I am so jealous of this person, that they can up and leave, and I am so happy for them. But once again someone has left and it always weighs heavily on my heart. I do love living where we do, and the opportunity to travel. I never imagined I'd be in SoCal!  This place makes me so happy. Just the smell of the air is calming. There is just nothing like ocean breezes. I feel like after everything that's happened, I'm in a place I can get comfortable and healthy and happy! Even in this apartment, which is nothing compared to the mansion of a house we had before, I am happy. It's cozy and it's become home. It's been a bumpy ride to get here, and finally I can breath again. In 2010 I was raped. I didn't remember much of anything right away, it actually has taken years to remember it all. But that incident changed our life for, for both Sean and I. Where do you begin recovering from something like that? I reported what I could, we went through the whole process, which is exhausting and humiliating...and nothing happened. I tried to believe I did the right thing by making the report, but after nothing happened it destroyed me. Not all at once. I held it together for years. It was not spoken of, and I seemed fine. I felt fine. I looked fine. But before we had orders to move, everything came crashing down. Out of nowhere I hated my husband. I slept on the couch. I was rude, sparadic, withdrawn, and over night became depressed and the flash backs started. I'd be wired and stressed all day, out of ocd scratching my skin to the point that I landed myself in a psych facility. I had a breakdown. An embarrassing breakdown. To one day be fine, and the next in a PTSD triggered temporary state of psychosis. And it's scary. When you're out of control and know it, yet can't stop it...it's just scary. And I raged. Finally after seeing a counselor after having thoughts of giving up, I went to a hospital in ID. I'm going to talk about this, and it will be uncomfortable for both you and I, but some things cannot be left dormant in your mind. When you first arrive, you are given stacks of things to sign. So many things you don't know what you're signing. I could've signed up for a padded room and shock treatment. But they put you in an observation room with no doors or curtains, strip you of all jewelry, undress you and check your skin. You sit in scrubs on a bed that clearly has restraints and they just watch you, for up to 12hrs...luckily ONLY 3 for me. It's boring. You have nothing. You're scared and not yet medicated. Then finally a doc and shrink get to you, evaluate you and begin a pill regiment. They first put you with the uncontrollable crazies which can be terrifying. I had a room mate you watched me sleep. I wish I was joking. Then finally when they see you are just an adult with problems that need treatment, they move you to a different part of the hospital, where you have more freedom. They offer NA and AA meeting daily, which I attended even though I'm not sure I needed it since it's not what I was in treatment for, but it was so educational. Every two hours you have a smoke break, which is a godsend. Only thing that really keeps you sane in the crazy house. There's other groups-coping groups, support groups. I did it all. I did it all and took notes. I got educated about my disabilities. Sean did too. He came to visit me every evening during visiting hours. It's basically like jail, but slightly better. I would never wish upon my worst enemy to have a reason to have to use a facility like this, but I would never speak illy of it either. Although going around telling people I had to be hospitalized for mental issues was not something I advertised. I was anxious to get out! I missed my home, and hubby. My family took our children in during this time of need so we didn't have to worry about them. But I hurried home, I wasn't ready. So I went back, no shame. I met so many wonderful peole. They tell you not to make friends in groups or around the hospital,  but everyone there has suffered in someway..how can you not reach out?! It's almost selfish to be there and not share your story. So many people made such a huge impact on my life. Sean even met some other ppl who had spouses there for treatment so he wasn't alone. Things were okay, I was back in control..kinda..enough to move to Cali. Not long after being here though the stress hit again and I was back at square one. But this time I could tell something wasn't feeling right in my head. I called my doc, saw him, and got sent to a treatment center up in the hills of ventura for more treatment. It was the best treatment program I've ever been in for patients with major depression, ptsd, borderline personality disorder, and drug and alcohol treatment. I got so much out of it. But until I hit "post",  most people don't know all the mental health problems I've been conquering, and all the slack Sean has been picking up. But a few people do. You would think hearing that when something dreadful happens to a military family, people would be jumping to help us. But that's not so much been the case. People are not accepting of mental illness-even the super common or super treatable ones. But we've found our few people who know and have never judged. So tonight I am sad to see one go. I wish them all the best and happiness in the world, this person will never know the impact they have had on me, and our family. All in all though, I am happy. And it goes without saying that they will always have a place in our home. Even though it seems like we have nothing but hardship, we truly, truly have been blessed by the true people we have come across, and the general kindness we have received. Some of you may even be reading this. So to end this sappy rant...I will say I am happy for the life I have despite the dark cloud over us, and we are lucky to have so many true people in our life who have stuck it out with us.

quick end of dec update..

Wellll, I suppose I should chat briefly about the holidays....WOO HOO! They are over. It's just such a hectic season and it definitely gets overwhelming. It was wonderful though. We had packages just pouring in everyday from family members and Christmas cards. After all the stress, it was worth it. Maybe next year we'll get it down. Kieran turned 5 on the 26th, even though we didn't celebrate it completely for a few days. He is so proud to be a 5 year old. He's such a bright child, and I always get emotional on their birthdays. But he is my first born, he will always be my baby. We had a few days of relaxing, and then last night was NYE. Last year we hosted a big party for all our friends, neighbors, it was a blast! This year was totally different. Just stayed in, our really great friend joined us and there were drinks and we rented Looper, caught up..it was really quite nice, didn't mind that we were so into the movie that we didn't even realize midnight had come and gone. This morning I woke up and right off the bat, bad upset stomach, no not upset...dying on the inside painful stomach ache. I am pretty much 100% positive I got food poisoning from some take out the other night since the kids have had funky stomachs.. and Sean too. NO bueno! It's one of our favorite little local places...Mongolian BBQ. It's one of the first places Sean took me when we got here. Small place. you get a bowl and go down the line putting the veggies and meat you want into a bowl, then the cook takes it from you and cooks it all with noodles and whatever sauce you chose right in front of you and then he packages it into a simply to go box and that's that! Buttt I won't be eating there again...this has been awful! Thank God Sean's aunt is a nurse. We call and text her all the time with sometimes really dumb health questions, and she's so patient and helps and gives advice. She's been on board as far as support goes since all the health issues started. She's so professional, but so down to earth-tells Sean and I like it is even when it's tough. So today she recommended fluids, fluids, and fluids. Started to feel a little more lively. And today, Sean has been an angel. Keeping an eye on the boys, keeping me company and medicated, and most importantly kept me calm. He is my rock. I'm not one to hide some of our issues. This blog is supposed to be real, and not just some fake image of a perfect home.One of the biggest issues that Sean and I have struggled with over the years of me being sick is how he is there for me. There are times I am in pain, in the hospital, I've had many surgeries, and he was stressed, and it showed. He was angry. he was scared. So was I. But I wanted a rock, a solid rock. But through all this we have learned eachothers triggers, and now know how to calm eachother when these mini and sometimes major health problems pop up. The 30th of January was Sean and my 6th aniversary! Can't believe how the time has flown and all we have been through. We had a baby before our first wedding aniversary, lol. The "d" word has been thrown around more than once. We have faced life and death, sickness, death, deployments and TDY's. But we have a  family, more furry babies than human, but this is just the way it should be. Sean is that man that no matter how mad at him I want to be, or am, he's the same guy I want to run to and cry about it to! We cannot escape eachother, and I don't say that in a negative way. When we met we were a wreck. Me, more than him. But somehow through everything we come out on top. How is that possible? Maybe it's luck, maybe it's fate, but for us this is just life.

a short Dec. 1st entry.

I cannot for the life of me believe that today is Dec. 1st! There is a lot to look forward to this month, but it will also be a very overwhelming month for me.
First of all, I have to say that I'm glad that November is over. It was a rough month in every sense. My health, my marriage, our finances, our kids. Even just this last week I was beginning to wonder if there's an age limit to how old the kid(s) can be to drop them off at a fire station or hospital! Thursday was probably the most challenging day with my kids. As a mother, I have learned how to wash my face, brush my teeth, brush my hair and go to the bathroom. If I have time I may try and get some makeup on, and if I'm really lucky, I can even change my clothes in those 5 minutes AND put on deoderant! But on Thursday, during those five minutes, my children became baby terrorists. They dumped out a bag of brown sugar on my couch and peed on it, dumped out a full 5lbs. bag of white sugar in the corner (on the carpet), chewed open a box of instant mashed potatoes and dumped that throughout the living room and on the love seat, spilled iced tea in the kitchen, peed in the kitchen, knocked over all my clean laundry, got naked, and played in my yarn. FIVE MINUTES. That's all it took, cinco minutos. Plus they played with my phone, which I have a lock on so the kids can't play on it, but they tried to unlock it so many times that it wouldn't let me try unlocking it again for an hour. I couldn't call Sean and tell him I'm losing my mind, I couldn't call a friend to come help me clean up, I couldn't call my mom for advice. It was a living hell. I sobbed I was so mad. Luckily there's this thing called FB chat so I could msg Sean to ask him to ask our friend to come check in on me and help me. The first thing that had to be done was get the kids under control. Got them cleaned up, dressed, fed, then put in their room. But not put in their room until after my friend and I took all the toys, books, pillows, blankets and sheets out. Basically it was a jail cell for a day long time out since I had to clean everyhing. This may sound extreme, but the kids had been testing my limits with things like this all week, but Thursday was different. They wouldn't listen. Once they were settled in their room for the day long time out, I got to cleaning with my life-saver of a friend. It was exhausting work, even with help. So much vacuuming, laundry, uggh. I am unsure of what's gotten into them to make them want to cause so much trouble. I posted on FB about how they were acting. Some responses were funny ("give them benadryl!!", a few were wondering what the harm of little boys peeing on the floor was to anyone, yada yada yada. But what it boils down to is that I am their mother, I don't abuse them, neglect them, so if a day long time out is all the get for the amount of stress and number of panic attacks this mess caused me is nothing! So for that alone, I am ready for November to be done.
But December is a whole new beast. Besides the normal appts I have, we have St. Nick's, Xmas Eve, Xmas Day, Kieran's 5th bday is the 26th-yes, the day after Xmas. Then the 30th is Sean's and my 6th year wedding anniversary. Plus this coming week 2 of my greatest friends are coming out here to visit. And to top it all off, NYE. It's a lot. I'm no fortune teller, but I see some xanax in my future. I am not a grinch, but when you pile all these things up it gets beyond overwhelming! Especially for someone with anxiety/panic disorder, lol.
So really, I just wanted to bitch about what happened Thursday. I feel like if I talk about it, maybe the memory will be magically removed from my head. ;D
I am excited for this month because after this month, I have a whole new year to start fresh, and lordie do I need that!
So to start out Dec, I awoke with swollen lymph nodes, a cold, and side effects from a med. but I am going to make the best of today, starting with watching "Rock of Ages" with my husbie and crochet while drinking my icy cold Diet Coke.
Happy Saturday y'all! Hope you are as lucky as I am to start the day by relaxing, (even if I'm only doing that cause I'm sick)!!
:D

holiday spirit?

Today on Facebook I saw that tons of people who have their Christmas trees up, are doing family portraits, and all that good holiday jazz!! This is a totally normal American tradition that I'm all for! I'm just not in the holiday spirit yet.

So lets get real. Is my family the only family that is so fucking broke?! God, it's really killing me. We moved from a small town in Idaho last spring, to sunny Oxnard SoCal. I love it here, I do. But constant mid 60-70 degree weather is not helping. Also, the whole having like literally $13 is killing us. Everyone tells you that money issues can cause divorce. We definitely are feeling the strain on our relationship. The point of this blog is not to talk about all the perfect, beautiful moments in life. Post perfect family photos. Talk about how amazing being a mom is 100% of the time. I cannot even begin to tell you how hard financial struggles affect a relationship. There have been many tense conversations in this home, and sometimes even arguments. Tears are almost always shed during those times, mine of course. Christmas just seems to remind me of all the things I may or may no be able to give my children. It reminds me how Sean and I will have to totally short change ourselves to make good things happen for the kids. THIS IS DEPRESSING. Whether this is something that you personally experience - or not, these kinds of financial problems are real. This happens to real people, people you probably know. The ones with all the perfect pictures with the perfect captions. I talk alot about how we need to remember that we should be grateful for the things we have, like family, shelter, food, friends. But when you have bills that you are trying to split between paychecks, and tonsss of sacrifices that you are making constantly just to get by, it is so easy to forget that. Does money buy happiness? Maybe it does. How happy are you when you have to figure out how to get by day by day? 

Tonight, after a day of shit (immodium and phenergan all day baby), I got the chance to lay down with my oldest son, Kieran. And by "I got the chance", I mean - "my children were hysterical for no apparent reason, yelling would get me nowhere, so I decided to just lay with him and rub his back, and cry from stress under my breath". Kieran's birthday is the day after Christmas. His due date was mid Jan, but I was severely gestational diabetic so I was to be induced Dec. 27, instead went into labor Christamas day, and after 30 some hours of hell, he came the 26th. He was not the prettiest little thing because he was stuck under my pelvic bone for hours so he was bruised, blue, and went straight to the NICU. But I loved him. Before I saw him I loved him. And now we are coming up on his 5th birthday. He is tall and handsome, scary smart. A pain in the ass a lot of the time, but also a very sensitive boy. He looks like his daddy, has my emotions, Sean's intelligence, and my extrememly long eyelashes. But a bday the day after Xmas? When do we catch a break?!

Sean and I were married Dec. 30th 2006. He was straight outta bootcamp/techschool, and it was a "we are in love, immature, but to be together we need to get married so I can go to his first station". We truly, truly were in love. But our wedding happened fast. A few months after being married I had the stomach flu. It was awful, for over a week. At some point, someone told us that maybe the barfing is not the stomach flu.....I took a test that night. ++!! We weren't ready, but that's just something that can potentially happen in your honeymoon phase (go get on birth control and buy condoms now.). We weren't ready but we were happy! "It's something we made, what a miracle this is!", I thought as a barfed every morning all day everyday for 14 weeks. I was scared. I was 20, in fucking Mt. Home Idaho, just married, and knocked up.  At around 15 weeks, a blood test came back saying that the baby I was carrying may have Down Syndrome. Now what? We weren't ready for a child in our lives, let alone one that will need constant care, and a human that we may have to care for forever. We talked about whether or not we could go through. We had so much pressure on us. One family telling us that giving away or aborting our baby is a sin, and another side of the family who was totally supportive of WHATEVER we chose. We were faced with the impossible chances that we may not be able to do this, and we were going to have to make a decision that was best for us, the child, our future. So at 16 weeks I had an amniocentisis. Super scary procedure were they take out amniotic fluid from the uterus by sticking a huge needle in your belly. After 4 awful weeks, the test results were in. The baby was fine, healthy, and a boy. Our little oopsie was going to be okay.

Since Sean and my first Christmas we spent preparing for a baby, we hardly prepared for Christmas. He was a low ranking Airman, and we had nothing. We didn't even have our crib until about a week before he came. And we were really blessed to know someone who handed down tons of baby clothes to us. Everything fell into place. The only decoration we had in the whole house was one of those stupid fucking fake tree/plant/things that I got from Walmart, just like everyone else has at some point in their lives. We put a strand of lights on it, and hung the maybe 10 ornaments that my mom gave me from my childhood, and called it a Christmas tree. I remember sitting at the computer, taking selfies of big ol me, Sean, and our first furbabies Spike and Buffy, and having that little tree sitting right next to the desk. We laughed, it was a joke. But I remember sitting on our shitty Walmart futon, knitting, getting ready for Kieran to make his way into the world, looking at the lights on the tree, and feeling the warmth it brought to me. We we were so happy with that shitty tree.

So why am I stressing now? We were worse off then than we are now. Tonight I need to take a second and think about this. The tree will get put up when it gets put up. But for right now, I'm going to say "fuck decorating", I am broke, I am sick, we have issues, but we are here, together, in sunny SoCal, and somehow I am going to get past the material things that are supposed to bring us joy during the holiday season, and try and soak in what I have, and try and teach that to my boys.

Today was a total struggle. But I'm going to go to sleep thinking about our nothing of a tree from 5 years ago, and remember what a blessing these boys are to me, and tomorrow work on my budget. 

Good night :)

So...

So this blog is going to undergo some changes. I still love cooking and baking and probably will still talk about food and maybe even share a few more recipes, but my life has-and is, going through some big changes. So in all honestly I need a place to bitch, share my happiness, pictures, whatever I want really. This is my selfish page.  I need this. A journal? A place to post random crap, swear if I want to, and I hope to get something out of my ramblings. Please don't follow if you are no longer interested.

I don't know where to start..

Today is Thanksgiving. Well, was. It's 3am. I spent the whole day before Thanksgiving cooking. I made a huge turkey, that I had made an herb butter to rub under the skin, then I rubbed the outside of the skin with regular vegetable oil, rubbed with salt and pepper. I made from scratch stuffing. I even made my own bread to let go stale to make it. It was bacon and leek stuffing, and it turned out amazing. I made mashed potatoes...that's a must, probably my favorite food of all time! lol. I made an apple pie, rolls. Really it was absolutely ridiculous! Trying to take on so much at once. But when I cook I get in my groove. I put my laptop in the kitchen and pulled up my favorite Spotify playlist, cleverly titled "this is my shiiit right huurr" :D I listened to music, I chopped, kneaded, sauteed and roasted while listening to Weezy, Nicki, 2 Chainz, Lady Gaga. It was fun. The boys would come in and snitch, as all children (and adults, but shhhhhh!) do. They'd dance with me. We had some very stressful and happy moments preparing for this day of thanks. However, by the time everything was done and our really good friend came over, I was too tired to even fucking eat. I wanted to sit. Cry. After we all ate, boys went to bed, cleaned up a little, and I felt like I was so tired I could just die. But we watched a movie. Stardust. Really good, creative, lovable movie. The hubs went to bed and I thought I'd sit up and watch Private Practice on Netflix and crochet for a bit. But now I can't sleep. Not that I don't want to, just can't. I suppose I shouldn't be to surprised that I may or may not be having some insomnia. For the last month at least I've had trouble sleeping so I just stay up, it's alot less frustrating. I'm prescribed Ambien but it's a risky med as far as addiction goes and that's the last thing I need. Plus it just knocks me out, and I worry if one of the boys woke up crying I'd just sleep through it. That really scares me. So I avoid it.
Today was a really hard day for me. I've been married going on 6 years next month...and married to the military at that. Our first base was Idaho, now SoCal. I love the places we've been and will go. But being away from family never gets easier. I missed my mom and dad the most. The holidays are the hardest. Thanksgiving is a holiday my family takes very seriously. The day before, my mom and grandma do what I did-and I miss that. I miss helping. I miss sitting down all proper for one meal where we pass the food around family style, we all say what we're grateful for. It is the perfect holiday. My mom and my grandma are the best, most amazing hostesses. Since living out of state, I have really prided myself on carrying on that tradition. Being a good host seems to run in my blood. So all the time I was cooking, all I could think was that it didn't feel right doing it alone. It's just hard.

It's no secret that I have been, and currently am going through treatment for major depression, PTSD, panic and anxiety disorder and a few other things. Plus in 2010 I was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis. Sarcoidosis is a disease with no cure. The easiest way to describe the disease is to say it's like a combination of cancer and an autoimmune disease. Most people who have this disease are over 40, women, African American....not a mid twenty year old white female. Most people only have one or two symptoms. Common symptoms include very mild joint pain, migraines, bone pain, alls sorts of crazy stuff. The disease is usually diagnosed by biopsy, in the lungs. Sarcoidosis normally affects the lungs and heart, and granulomas can be seen on a CT scan and they are biopsied. Up until a few years ago this was considered a rare disease. I have every single possible symptom imaginable. My joint pain is out of control, we treat it like RA, but the only thing that helps is steroids. Besides arthritis, I have bone pain, occasional loss of sight-usually in my lower left eye, migraines, nausea-vommiting, chronic kidney stones, and intense muscle pain. In the last few years I've had a handful of surgeries...my gallbladder came out, as well as my appendix. I had masses removed off my forehead and scalp, and lithotripsy. Annnnd lastly I had to have an endometrial ablation and tubal ligation. I am hoping that I am a candidate for lithotripsy again because I will truly lose my mind if I pass another stone. The psychiatric stuff I will explain some other time. Can't go there now.
Soooo.....long story short, I physically and mentally felt like absolute shit today, but you know what? I made it. One more day. One day at a time.

I truly hope that everyone had a wonderful day with family and/or friends...even if you had to bust your ass for two day to make everything perfect. Despite all that bullshit, I have much to be thankful for. I have two little boys who light up my day and make everything worth it, a wonderful family, my cats, Buffy. A roof over our head, food in our fridge, and more luxuries than we need. I am thankful for medicine. The one thing no doctor I've ever seen has ever been able to tell me is how this disease could possibly affect how long I live-if it could one day become fatal, what my quality of life will be, and managing my chronic pain has been a challenge. For me, for my kids, my husband, my family, all those who've seen me suffer, be laid out on the couch for weeks after surgery, and basically become disabled. But today I lived. The days before I lived I had some very joyous moments. I have loved and been loved and continue to be loved, and for all that-I am thankful.

More to come.

G'night/morning/whatev.  :D

Tuna Casserole.

This past week has been super crazy. I've been sick, the boys have been crabby, I needed something fast and easy for dinner. And this definitely was. If you have ever eaten tuna helper, you would like this, it is way better. You could add any veggie that you like to this, broccoli would be very good. The recipe calls for 3/4 pound of pasta, which is silly to me so I added the whole pound and had no problems.

Tuna Casserole


coarse salt and ground pepper-to taste
3/4 pound macaroni or any small shaped pasta
1 cup panko
2 Tbs. parmesan
2 Tbs. olive oil
1 yellow onion, diced
3 Tbs. flour
2 1/2 cups low-sodium chicken or veggie broth
1 1/2 cups whole milk
2 cans (6 oz each) tuna, get the solid if you can. Drained and flaked
1 cup frozen peas, thawed

1. Preheat oven to 425. In a large pot of boiling salted water, cook pasta 2 minutes less than package instructions (it will be undercooked). Drain. In a small bowl, toss together panko and parmesan.

2. In a pot, heat olive oil over medium-high. Add onion, season with salt and pepper, and cook until softened, 8 minutes. Add flour and whisk to coat onion with flour. Slowly whisk in broth, then milk. Cook, stirring constantly, until sauce comes to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer, stirring frequently, until sauce is thickened, about 8 minutes. Stir in pasta, tuna, and peas, and season with salt and pepper.

3. Transfer tuna mixture to a 9x13 inch baking dish and top with panko mixture. Bake until sauce is bubbling and crust is golden, 17-20 minutes. Let cool 10 minutes before serving. (If you can wait...)

Pumpkin Muffins

The weather here in Mountain Home has still been pretty warm up until the last week or so, so it hasn't really felt like fall yet. But they have all pumpkins out at the store, and pie crusts, and all those things that remind you of fall. So even though I'm not usually a fan of pumpkin, I felt like I had to buy a can of pumpkin, like it was the "right" thing to do this time of year. Glad I did. Made these pumpkin muffins and everyone loved them! Including my cats. I had read on the ASPCA page that giving your cats a spoonful of pumpkin is good for them since it's a good source of fiber. I really didn't think the cats would eat it, it doesn't even smell like something a cat would be interested. But all the cats ate it, and then thought the muffins were for them as well. This is from the same book as the zucchini bread, actually made these first. This recipe only makes about 8, so I doubled it.

Pumpkin Muffins


8 Tbs. butter, softened
3/4 cup brown sugar
1/3 cup molasses
1 cup mashed cooked pumpkin
1 egg, slightly beaten
1 3/4 cups flour
1/2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. baking soda
1 1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp. nutmeg

Preheat oven to 400. Grease muffin pans or line with paper baking cups.

Combine the butter, brown sugar, and molasses in a mixing bowl, and beat until creamy. Add the pumpkin and the egg, and mix well. At this point, the mixture will look curdled, which is okay. In another mixing bowl, combine the flour, salt, baking soda, cinnamon, and nutmeg, and stir and toss them together with a fork or whick. Add the combined dry ingredients to the creamed mixture, and beat just until the batter is smooth, about 20 seconds.
Spoon into muffin pans, filling each cup about 2/3 full. Bake for about 15 minutes, or until a toothpick can be inserted and pulled out clean. Remove from oven, serve warm!
*Don't forget to give your furry friends a little of any left over pumpkin ;)

Zucchini Bread!

So last week I got two GIANT zucchinis from a neighbor. She told me ahead of time they were big, but I had no idea that zucchinis could get so big! I had to do something with them, so I made zucchini bread. I have never made it before, and when I don't know what recipe to use I always turn to my Fannie Farmer Baking Book, smart move! This was, and still is, since we'll be eating it for the next year, delicious! Very easy to make. Everyone loves it, and hopefully I'm scoring points with my friends since they've all been getting lots of this lately! It's very moist and does keep well and can be frozen.

Zucchini Bread


3 cups flour
1 Tbs. baking powder
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1 1/2 tsp. salt
2 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp. nutmeg
1/2 tsp. ground cloves
1/2 cup milk
2 eggs, slightly beaten
1/2 cup vegetable shortening, melted
1 cup sugar
2 cups shredded raw zucchini

Preheat oven to 350. Grease two 8 1/2 x 4 1/2 x 2 1/2 inch loaf pans.
Stir and toss together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, nutmegs, and cloves, and set aside. Place the milk, eggs, melted shortening, sugar and zucchini in a large mixing bowl. Add the combined dry ingredients and beat just until the batter is blended.
Divide evenly between the prepared and bake for about 50 to 60 minutes, or until a knife or toothpick inserted into the center of a loaf comes out clean. Remove from the oven, and let cool for about 5 minutes, then turn out onto a cooling rack to cool completely.

Some big changes in the near future...

So I wanted to share our super exciting news! After 5 years here in Mountain Home, Idaho, we are finally getting ready to move...to CALIFORNIA! Sean has been itching to get out of here for a long time. I constantly tell him "good things come to those wait", which I'm sure really annoys him, but it's true. He had applied for a job as a tech school instructor, and after waiting and waiting, we finally got official word that he got the job and we need to be there in spring. This is so bittersweet for us. Idaho is where we started our family. When we moved here we had only been married for a week or so. We will also be leaving behind some amazing friends that have become family. However, Sean and I are ready for a fresh start. This will be our first time moving with kids and pets. We are heading to a Navy base on the coast which is going to be a huge change. But there's so much we are looking forward to, besides the beach. One of the big ones is the food! I'm hoping for lots and lots of fresh produce. I think living in Cali will make being a vegetarian sooooo much easier. Well, that's all I've got for you right now, more to come!

Summer's Artichoke Spinach Lasagna

So part of living with a disease means sometimes I fall ill quickly, unexpectedly, and even when I get a cold it means I'm going to be super sick...for days. To you this may sound super depressing, but for me, it has become a normal part of my life. The last few days I've been feeling very under the weather, but luckily I have amazing friends who are more like family who jumped right in and helped Sean and I out. Last night our friend Summer brought us dinner. Being the sweetie she is, she wanted to make something vegetarian for us. She made a white lasagna with spinach and artichokes, it was soooo good! It was like spinach artichoke dip with noodles...omg...yum. Not only did she make it for us, but she also told me I could share her recipe! So here it is, and a BIG thank you to Summer!!

Summer's Artichoke Spinach Lasagna:

2 tablespoons olive oil

9 uncooked lasagna noodles

1 onion, chopped

4 garlic cloves, minced

1 (14.5oz) can veggie broth

¼ teaspoon rosemary

1/2 teaspoon basil

¼ teaspoon parsley

1 can artichoke hearts, drained, and chopped

1 package fresh spinach

**Alfredo sauce** recipe below

3 cups shredded mozzarella cheese, divided

1 (4oz) package of feta, crumbled 

• Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Spray a 9x13 inch baking dish with cooking spray. 
• Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Add noodles and cook for 8 to 10 minutes or until al dente; drain. (skip if using no boil pasta)
• Warm olive oil in a large skillet on medium-high. Saute onion and garlic for 3 minutes, or until onion is tender-crisp. Stir in broth and spices; bring to a boil. Stir in artichoke hearts and spinach; reduce heat, cover and simmer 5 minutes. Stir in alfredo sauce. 
• Spread 1/4 of the artichoke mixture in the bottom of the prepared baking dish; top with 3 cooked noodles. Sprinkle 3/4 cup mozzarella cheese over noodles. Repeat layers 2 more times, ending with artichoke mixture and mozzarella cheese. Sprinkle crumbled feta on top. 
• Bake, covered, for 40 minutes. Uncover, and bake 15 minutes more, or until hot and bubbly. Let stand 10 minutes before cutting. 

Summer's Alfredo Sauce   (Make sure you double this for the lasagna)

1 cup Milk

2 tablespoons all-purpose flour

1 cup cottage cheese

½ teaspoon garlic powder

3 teaspoons of onion, minced

Salt & pepper to taste (1/4 tsp of each)

½ cup parmesan cheese

Combine all ingredients into food processor and pulse until smooth.  Transfer into sauce pan over medium-heat until heated through.  When it is heated, Add 1 teaspoon of cornstarch to ¼ cup of water in a separate bowl and stir to mix.  Pour into the alfredo mixture stir until slightly thickened.  This goes into the artichoke mixture!!

Southwestern Pinto Bean Burgers

I would have to say that 98% of the time, Sean and I are vegetarians. This is for a variety of reasons. I grew up in an almost vegetarian home. There are some animal rights issues tangled in there. And with all the health problems I have, and that run on my husbands side of the family, it is a choice we make just to be healthier in general. It works out all around. But most people we meet are a little surprised that we successfully have followed this "diet", if you want to call it that, for so many years. Here's the thing. Being a vegetarian does not mean we eat nothing but salad. We also don't try to make other things seems like meat. It is totally possible to eat full flavored meals without meat! This is one of those meals that makes me remember how easy it is to not eat meat! We served these to friends of ours, one is vegetarian, the other definitely is not, and she said these were very good!

Southwestern Pinto Bean Burgers


1/2 cup diced onion
1/2 cup bread crumbs
1/4 cup chopped cilantro
2 Tbs. minced jalapeno
1 tsp. hot pepper sauce
1/2 tsp. cumin
1/4 tsp. pepper
1/8 tsp. salt
1 egg
1 15oz can pinto beans - drain, rinse
1 cup frozen corn, thawed

Combine all ingredients except the corn, mix and mash beans with a fork or potato masher. Stir in corn, mix well. Divide into 4 equal portions, shaping into 3 1/2" patties. Place on foil cover, pam sprayed pan. Bake at 400 for 10 minutes. Turn over, bake another 10 minutes, until hot and temps at 165.

Serve on bun with tomato, lettuce, and cheese if desired (pepper jack is great!) and Chipotle mayo.....
1/4 cup mayo, 1 tsp. minced chipotle in adobo

Peanut Butter Banana Bread

Last winter, while staying at my parents house, my mom made this wonderful peanut butter banana bread from a recipe she found in a magazine. I had absolutely no problems getting lots and lots of this bread into my face. My mom, on the other hand, was not a fan. But I don't see how you could not like something that has a peanut butter glaze on it! I forgot about this bread when I returned home. Last month I went in my freezer for something, and realized I had a huge stash of bananas in there, that fell out as I opened the door. Whenever I have bananas that start going black, I put them in the freezer, you never know when you're going to want to make a smoothie or banana bread! So as all the bananas tumbled out, I realized I needed to makes something with them asap. I usually use the same recipe for banana bread, but I wanted to try something different. So I looked up recipes online. I found that another food blogger that I occasionally read had recently posted a recipe for peanut butter banana bread, and it just happened to be the same recipe my mom had made. So I made it, and still liked it, and Sean seemed to have no problems getting lots of this into his face either! Annnd it's a little healthy since there's whole wheat flour, bananas, and ground flaxseed in it! Yes!!

Peanut Butter Banana Bread


1 1/2 cups mashed banana
1/3 cup plain or vanilla fat free yogurt
1/3 cup peanut butter
3 Tbs. butter-melted
2 eggs
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 cup flour
1/4 cup ground flaxseed meal (can leave out)
3/4 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1/8 tsp. allspice
1/4 cup chopped peanuts

Preheat oven to 350.
Mix flours, flaxseed meal, baking soda, salt and spices.
Whisk bananas, yogurt, peanut butter, and butter. Whisk in the eggs and sugar.
Add wet ingredients to dry, then add nuts. Bake in a loaf pan for 55-65 minutes.
Cool IN PAN for 20 mins, then remove and place on cooling rack until completely cooled off.
To make glaze, mix 1/3 cup powdered sugar, 1 Tbs. milk, and 1 Tbs. peanut butter until smooth. Spoon over cooled loaf.

Great Meal to Start off the Season!

It is now officially fall here in Mountain Home, Idaho. Most days it's been cool, and of course windy. We've also had a few random hot days. But this last week we've had lots of rain. Once it's fall, I start thinking about holidays, and when I think about holidays I feel the need to cook alot, and have a cozy house filled with people. So a few weeks ago ago I had over all my favorite people from base and did a Sunday night supper, and kinda watched the game. "Kinda", because, well, as much as I'm trying to care about football, I just don't. However I love the excuse to have people over, and eat in excessive amounts! So the meal I made for our friends was Rainy Season Chicken Soup with buttermilk biscuits. This is my mom's recipe, and has been my husbands favorite soup for years! The biscuit recipe is basic, but it was something I've never made before and they were a wonderful compliment to the soup! Our friends have been bugging me for the recipe ever since. :) I doubled this recipe for company.

Rainy Season Chicken Soup


8-10 oz fresh white mushrooms, sliced
2 Tbs. butter
2 leeks, white and green parts only-split, rinsed, diced.
2 medium carrots, diced
2 large celery ribs, diced
2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
2 Tbs. flour
2 Tbs. dry white wine (or chicken broth)
4 cups chicken stock (if using store bought, get the low sodium)
1 cup fat free sour cream
1 cup egg noodles
salt and pepper to taste

In a dutch oven, melt butter over low heat. Add leeks, carrots, celery, and mushrooms. Cover and cook over low heat 5-10 minutes until veggies are almost tender. Place chicken on top of veggies, cover and continue cooking 5 minutes. Turn chicken over, recover pan and cook for another 5 minutes give or take, just until chicken is done. Remove chicken from pan and set aside to cool. Sprinkle flour over veggies, stir to cook over low heat, 2 minutes. Slowly add 2 Tbs. wine or broth, and 2 cups of broth. Stir and cook until bubbly and thickened. Add sour cream very slowly, and allow to cook gently while you slice chicken into thin, bite-size pieces.
Meanwhile, in large frying pan, bring remaining 2 cups of stock to a boil, then add noodles. Cook about 5 minutes, until noodles are done. Do NOT DRAIN! Slowly add noodle mixture to hot veggie/sour cream mixtures. Add chicken pieces and bring back to simmer.

Buttermilk Biscuits


2 cups flour
1/2 tsp. salt
2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 cup vegetable shortening
2/3 cup buttermilk

Preheat oven to 425. You need one large baking sheet-do not grease.
Combine the flour, salt, baking powder, and baking soda in a mixing bowl and stir them together with a fork or wire whisk. Drop the shortening into the dry ingredients and using a pastry blender, or your fingertips, work the shortening into the dry ingredients until the mixture is in fine, irregular crumbs resembling soft bread crumbs. Add the buttermilk all at once and stir with a fork just until the dough forms a cohesive mass.
Turn the dough out onto a smooth, lightly floured surface, and knead 12-14 times. Pat into an 8 x 8 inch square about 1/2 inch thick. Use a knife to cut the dough into 2 inch squares. Place the biscuits in the baking pans or on the sheet (with biscuits touching if you want them light and fluffy, or at least 1 inch apart if you want them darker and crisper). Bake for 15-20 minutes, and serve very hot.

Just something that's been on my mind.

Lately I've been feeling like all I do when I get on here is post a recipe, and I think I may want this blog to be slightly more personal. Especially since food is something that I love, and I feel that being a stay at home makes cooking a major part of my "job". When I started this food blog, I was mostly looking for a distraction. In the summer of 2009, I was pregnant with my second son, Conor, and woke up one morning with "claw hands". I didn't know that it was arthritis, and not just arthritis. After many tests, Conor being born premature, and struggling with many bizarre and painful symptoms and seeing a handful of different doctors, I was finally "diagnosed" with Sarcoidosis. I use the term "diagnosed" pretty lightly, since I have experienced almost all of the symptoms characteristic to Sarcoidosis, but doctors have been unable to prove with a biopsy that I have it. At about the same time I began experiencing the bizarre symptoms, I was also diagnosed with a Panic/Anxiety Disorder that has played a major part of my life in the last few years. So because of all that going on in my life, I was hoping I could lose myself in food and this blog. However because of my health, many surgeries, flare ups, a deployment and the two darling little boys I have running around, I have not at all been able to lose myself in food! With that out there, I would like to say that at this point in time, I am healthiest I can be. I lost 40+ pounds while Sean was in Iraq, and also took the reins on my anxiety disorder, and for the most part we are following a vegetarian diet. I am enjoying everything in my life to the absolute fullest, especially my cooking! I've been trying many new things, and being more health conscious in the kitchen. I've made a few mistakes that turned out wonderfully, and all around enjoying cooking more than I ever have! With all that off my chest, I am hoping that I can incorporate a little bit more of me into this, while sharing some of my favorite recipes! :)

Fettuccine Alfredo

As I always seem to be, I am behind in my posts! I've been busy, busy, busy! Somehow, I have found time to try lots of new recipes! Tonight we tried fettuccine alfredo, and it was so much easier than I expected. Not at all good for you. Very filling. Very delicious! I found the recipe on the Food Network site, and is from Tyler Florence, who I am not always a fan of, for no particular reason. Well, okay, he annoys me. But  I suppose he makes good food.

Alfredo Sauce:

1 pint heavy cream
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter
1 cup parmesan
fresh cracked black pepper to taste
salt to taste
parsley to garnish

Heat cream in a heavy pot on low-medium heat. Add butter, whisk gently until melted. Sprinkle in cheese, whisk until melted and smooth. Season with salt and pepper. Toss with hot, cooked fettuccine. Garnish with chopped parsley.

Easy, right?!

Mexican Pizza

Why didn't I make this sooner?! This is so good, and ridiculously easy! The recipe called for just half of a 16 oz. can of refried beans, but I made my own crust and it was big, and used the whole can! Could add diced fresh tomato and olives to this!

-1/2 16 oz. can spicy, fat-free refried beans. (If you can't find spicy refried beans, as I often can't here in little old Mt. Home, ID...use the traditional kind and mix in 1 tsp. chili powder)
-1 cup salsa, divided
-1 12-inch pre-baked pizza crust (or make your own!)
2 cups shredded hearts of romaine lettuce
3-4 thinly sliced green onions
1/4 cup ranch dressing
1/4 cup crumbled tortilla chips
1 cup shredded pepper jack or monterey jack cheese (or a mexican blend)

Preheat oven to 425. Mix beans and 1/2 cup of salsa in a bowl. Place crust on a cookie sheet, spread the bean mixture over it. Bake until it's crisp and warm, about 10 minutes. Remove from oven, top with cheese and green onions (and tomato and olive if adding) and return to oven just for a few minutes, until the cheese melts. Top with shredded romaine, and dollop with the remaining salsa. Squeeze ranch back and forth over the top.

Cinnamon Rolls

So, I've been slacking a bit! My husband returned from deployment end of June, and we've been very busy! I did do a lot of cooking/baking the first few days he was home though. He had some specific requests, and we went through a ton of food the first two weeks! It was like he hadn't eaten for the last 9 months! Anyways, this recipe was actually something I was really craving, and is definitely a  family favorite. Even my husband, who does not care much for sweets (I know, what's wrong with him?!) loves these. He actually woke up at 4am one morning and went downstairs and got one! It's a combination of 2 recipes, the sweet dough/sticky bun recipe from the one and only Fannie Farmer Baking Book, and the cream cheese frosting is an Alton Brown recipe (so you know it's perfect!). This recipe is actually pretty easy, the hardest part is probably waiting for the dough to rise, and then waiting while they bake. No wait, I lied. The hardest part is waiting for them to cool off enough to eat one!!!! These are honestly the best cinnamon rolls I've ever had, and after making them the first time, I made them on a weekly basis for a few weeks straight. Okay, so here's the recipe. Please remember, I said these were good...not good for you....! :)

Sweet-Roll Dough:
2 packages dry yeast
1/4 cup warm water
1 cup milk, warmed
1/2 cup sugar
2 tsp. salt
8 Tbs. butter (one stick), softened
3 eggs, at room temp.
5 1/4 - 5 3/4 cups flour

Filling:
6 Tbs. butter, melted
1 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup chopped nuts (optional)
1 Tbs. cinnamon

Cream Cheese Icing:
2 1/2 oz. cream cheese (about 1/4 cup)
3 Tbs. milk
5 1/2 oz. powdered sugar (about 1 1/2 cups)

Sprinkle yeast over warm water in a small bowl, stir, and let stand for minute to dissolve. Combine milk, sugar, salt, butter, and eggs in a large mixing bowl, and beat well. Stir in dissolved yeast. Add 2 1/2 cups of flour and beat until smooth and well blended. Add 2 1/2 cups more flour and beat until the dough holds together in a rough, shaggy mass. Turn out onto a lightly floured surface and knead for a minute or two. Let rest for 10 minutes. Resume kneadinf for 8 to 10 minutes more, gradually sprinkling on a little more flour if the dough sticks to your hands, until smooth and elastic. Place in a greased bowl, cover with plastic wrap, and let rise in a warm place until doubled in bulk. Punch down the risen dough.

Roll out dough on a floured surface to a rectangle about 32 x 12 inches and 1/3 inch thick. Brush the surface with melted butter. Combine brown sugar, cinnamon, and nuts if using. Sprinkle evenly over the buttered dough, and press in gently with your fingers. Beginning with the long end, roll the dough up like a jelly roll, then cut into pieces about 1 1/4 inches wide. you will have about 24 slices. Place all in a greased 9x13 pan, or split into two greased round cake pans. Press them down gently just so they touch. Cover, and let rise until puffy and double in bulk.

Bake in a preheated oven at 375 for about 25 minutes, until golden brown on top. Remove from oven and let cool in the pans for about 5 minutes.

Make icing by beating cream cheese in a mixer until creamy. Add mix, and beat until combined. Sift in the powdered sugar and mix until smooth. Spread over the slightly cooled cinnamon buns and serve immediately!

*I stored the leftovers in the fridge, covered with plastic wrap, and would just microwave for about 20-30 seconds to reheat! If covered, these will keep for a few days...not that they would last that long....

Iced Coffee

I'm not taking any credit for this "recipe"....it is too easy! But this is one of Sean and my favorite things on summer mornings! We brew coffee in the evening the way we always do, put it in a pitcher, let it cool and refrigerate over night. In the morning it is cold, and we serve it over ice. I add soymilk, but you could do regular milk or add sugar or flavorings. No need to spend $3+ on ice coffee when you can make it yourself!!