So...

So this blog is going to undergo some changes. I still love cooking and baking and probably will still talk about food and maybe even share a few more recipes, but my life has-and is, going through some big changes. So in all honestly I need a place to bitch, share my happiness, pictures, whatever I want really. This is my selfish page.  I need this. A journal? A place to post random crap, swear if I want to, and I hope to get something out of my ramblings. Please don't follow if you are no longer interested.

I don't know where to start..

Today is Thanksgiving. Well, was. It's 3am. I spent the whole day before Thanksgiving cooking. I made a huge turkey, that I had made an herb butter to rub under the skin, then I rubbed the outside of the skin with regular vegetable oil, rubbed with salt and pepper. I made from scratch stuffing. I even made my own bread to let go stale to make it. It was bacon and leek stuffing, and it turned out amazing. I made mashed potatoes...that's a must, probably my favorite food of all time! lol. I made an apple pie, rolls. Really it was absolutely ridiculous! Trying to take on so much at once. But when I cook I get in my groove. I put my laptop in the kitchen and pulled up my favorite Spotify playlist, cleverly titled "this is my shiiit right huurr" :D I listened to music, I chopped, kneaded, sauteed and roasted while listening to Weezy, Nicki, 2 Chainz, Lady Gaga. It was fun. The boys would come in and snitch, as all children (and adults, but shhhhhh!) do. They'd dance with me. We had some very stressful and happy moments preparing for this day of thanks. However, by the time everything was done and our really good friend came over, I was too tired to even fucking eat. I wanted to sit. Cry. After we all ate, boys went to bed, cleaned up a little, and I felt like I was so tired I could just die. But we watched a movie. Stardust. Really good, creative, lovable movie. The hubs went to bed and I thought I'd sit up and watch Private Practice on Netflix and crochet for a bit. But now I can't sleep. Not that I don't want to, just can't. I suppose I shouldn't be to surprised that I may or may not be having some insomnia. For the last month at least I've had trouble sleeping so I just stay up, it's alot less frustrating. I'm prescribed Ambien but it's a risky med as far as addiction goes and that's the last thing I need. Plus it just knocks me out, and I worry if one of the boys woke up crying I'd just sleep through it. That really scares me. So I avoid it.
Today was a really hard day for me. I've been married going on 6 years next month...and married to the military at that. Our first base was Idaho, now SoCal. I love the places we've been and will go. But being away from family never gets easier. I missed my mom and dad the most. The holidays are the hardest. Thanksgiving is a holiday my family takes very seriously. The day before, my mom and grandma do what I did-and I miss that. I miss helping. I miss sitting down all proper for one meal where we pass the food around family style, we all say what we're grateful for. It is the perfect holiday. My mom and my grandma are the best, most amazing hostesses. Since living out of state, I have really prided myself on carrying on that tradition. Being a good host seems to run in my blood. So all the time I was cooking, all I could think was that it didn't feel right doing it alone. It's just hard.

It's no secret that I have been, and currently am going through treatment for major depression, PTSD, panic and anxiety disorder and a few other things. Plus in 2010 I was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis. Sarcoidosis is a disease with no cure. The easiest way to describe the disease is to say it's like a combination of cancer and an autoimmune disease. Most people who have this disease are over 40, women, African American....not a mid twenty year old white female. Most people only have one or two symptoms. Common symptoms include very mild joint pain, migraines, bone pain, alls sorts of crazy stuff. The disease is usually diagnosed by biopsy, in the lungs. Sarcoidosis normally affects the lungs and heart, and granulomas can be seen on a CT scan and they are biopsied. Up until a few years ago this was considered a rare disease. I have every single possible symptom imaginable. My joint pain is out of control, we treat it like RA, but the only thing that helps is steroids. Besides arthritis, I have bone pain, occasional loss of sight-usually in my lower left eye, migraines, nausea-vommiting, chronic kidney stones, and intense muscle pain. In the last few years I've had a handful of surgeries...my gallbladder came out, as well as my appendix. I had masses removed off my forehead and scalp, and lithotripsy. Annnnd lastly I had to have an endometrial ablation and tubal ligation. I am hoping that I am a candidate for lithotripsy again because I will truly lose my mind if I pass another stone. The psychiatric stuff I will explain some other time. Can't go there now.
Soooo.....long story short, I physically and mentally felt like absolute shit today, but you know what? I made it. One more day. One day at a time.

I truly hope that everyone had a wonderful day with family and/or friends...even if you had to bust your ass for two day to make everything perfect. Despite all that bullshit, I have much to be thankful for. I have two little boys who light up my day and make everything worth it, a wonderful family, my cats, Buffy. A roof over our head, food in our fridge, and more luxuries than we need. I am thankful for medicine. The one thing no doctor I've ever seen has ever been able to tell me is how this disease could possibly affect how long I live-if it could one day become fatal, what my quality of life will be, and managing my chronic pain has been a challenge. For me, for my kids, my husband, my family, all those who've seen me suffer, be laid out on the couch for weeks after surgery, and basically become disabled. But today I lived. The days before I lived I had some very joyous moments. I have loved and been loved and continue to be loved, and for all that-I am thankful.

More to come.

G'night/morning/whatev.  :D